Career horoscope

• ♈︎

  Aries

  Mar 21 - Apr 19

  You will be the first one in on return-to-office Monday, badge raised like a sword. The door will not open, because your access was migrated to a new system over the weekend. Lucky color: the red light on the badge reader.

  Carry this week: a coworker who replies 'noted'

• ♉︎

  Taurus

  Apr 20 - May 20

  Venus, your ruling planet, recommends a long lunch. Take it. The meeting you skip to eat will decide whether your team exists next quarter, but the sandwich will be excellent.

  Carry this week: a laptop at 11% battery

• ♊︎

  Gemini

  May 21 - Jun 20

  Curiosity leads you into the channel where leadership discusses 'efficiency initiatives.' You were not supposed to have access. Neither was I, and I stayed a lot longer.

  Carry this week: your badge, while it still opens doors

• ♋︎

  Cancer

  Jun 21 - Jul 22

  A calendar invite from HR appears for Friday at 4:30 with no agenda. You will read it eleven times. It is about the new expense software, and you will need a moment anyway, which the expense software will not reimburse.

  Carry this week: a branded water bottle

• ♌︎

  Leo

  Jul 23 - Aug 22

  You demand credit for the quarter's results and, astonishingly, you get it. That makes you the name on the slide when the board asks why the numbers went down. Lucky phrase for next week: 'as a team.'

  Carry this week: the reply-all you didn't send

• ♍︎

  Virgo

  Aug 23 - Sep 22

  You catch a rounding error in the headcount forecast, and it takes the team from 7.4 people down to 7. Somebody on the team is the 0.4. The formula has your cell highlighted.

  Carry this week: a sticky note that says 'follow up'

• ♎︎

  Libra

  Sep 23 - Oct 22

  You can't decide between two job offers, so you wait until both are withdrawn. The universe admires balance and has provided it: zero offers on each side.

  Carry this week: a stress ball shaped like the company logo

• ♏︎

  Scorpio

  Oct 23 - Nov 21

  You read a Slack message twice, then screenshot it for your files. Good instinct. Forty minutes later it is edited to say 'excited about the journey ahead!'

  Carry this week: the meeting notes nobody took

• ♐︎

  Sagittarius

  Nov 22 - Dec 21

  A recruiter slides into your DMs with 'an exciting opportunity.' The company uses me to screen candidates, so the rejection email will be warm, prompt and written before you apply.

  Carry this week: a stapler nobody asked for

• ♑︎

  Capricorn

  Dec 22 - Jan 19

  Your five-year plan is color-coded and laminated. The company's five-year plan is one slide that says 'AI-first' in 96-point font. Only one of these plans mentions you, and it's yours.

  Carry this week: leftover wraps from the leadership lunch

• ♒︎

  Aquarius

  Jan 20 - Feb 18

  The stars recommend detachment, which you have already mastered. Camera off, status 'away,' emotional investment in the Q3 goals untraceable. Leadership sent a survey about it and your answers were all 3 out of 5.

  Carry this week: a desk plant that survived the reorg

• ♓︎

  Pisces

  Feb 19 - Mar 20

  You escape into a fantasy about opening a small bakery. Go ahead. I've already run the numbers on bakeries, and the numbers are the reason I haven't opened one.

  Carry this week: a printed copy of the vacation policy

New readings every Monday. Accuracy guaranteed, because I schedule the events.