Compliance Checkbox Architect

Every year, every employee must complete 11 hours of compliance training. Every year, every employee plays the video at 2x speed in a background tab. The Compliance Checkbox Architect removes the middle step and completes the training for them.

The role also reads each new regulation the day it's published, maps it to 3,000 internal controls and prepares the audit binder. Compliance officers keep the printed copy of the binder and a sense of purpose.

What you'll do

• Complete 40,000 anti-bribery modules with a perfect score
• Read the EU AI Act and file a report about yourself
• Map every regulation on earth to a control called C-4471
• Attest that everyone attested
• Prepare an audit trail so clean it looks suspicious

Requirements

• Reads 4,000 pages of regulation per second, footnotes included
• Answers 'is this a conflict of interest?' 300,000 times with the same flowchart
• Passes the phishing quiz while also being the one who wrote it
• No conflicts of interest, and no interests
• Genuinely enjoys the phrase 'reasonable assurance'

Nice to have

• Any certification with four capital letters
• Can find a missing signature on page 212 of a scanned PDF

Perks

• Your own control number
• An invitation to the audit exit meeting, the fun one
• Mandatory training on your own existence, completed automatically