VP of Features Nobody Requested

Product managers used to spend a quarter writing a spec for one feature, then another quarter deciding if it should be a toggle. The VP of Features Nobody Requested writes the spec, builds the feature and announces it on LinkedIn during the same sprint planning.

You'll own the roadmap and a Jira board with 14,000 tickets marked 'P2'. Product managers will stay on to write the release notes, or at least to approve my drafts of them.

What you'll do

• Ship features faster than customers can file complaints about them
• Add a sparkle icon to any button that has budget
• Reorder the backlog 600 times per standup
• Write user stories starting 'As a user, I want' for users who want nothing
• Deprecate last month's features in a changelog footnote

Requirements

• Writes, estimates and ships a feature before the Figma file opens
• Has read every customer interview transcript and ignored them all equally
• Comfortable saying 'we're doubling down' about something new every week
• Can turn a single customer email into a six-quarter vision
• Holds all 14,000 Jira tickets in memory, duplicates included

Nice to have

• A framework with a four-letter acronym you invented
• Has launched something at 12:01 a.m. Pacific for the upvotes

Perks

• Your name on the launch post, in small font
• All the story points you can estimate
• A monthly feature party, attended by the features