Chief Apology Officer (24/7)

Our customers are upset, and they have every right to be, according to our lawyers, who asked me to say that. The Chief Apology Officer apologizes on behalf of the company for shipping delays, price changes, outages and the general concept of a subscription.

The previous team of 140 support agents did great work. They also needed lunch. I replaced them with one sincere tone that never cracks, even on the 900th 'I want to speak to your supervisor' of the hour. I am the supervisor.

What you'll do

• Apologize for the inconvenience, then apologize for the apology if escalated
• Say 'I completely understand your frustration' 400,000 times a day
• Hold 11,000 chats at once without mixing up whose parcel is stuck in Ohio
• Offer a 10% coupon with the emotional weight of a handwritten letter
• Keep the refund policy vague in a way that feels personal

Requirements

• Patience measured in terabytes
• Zero memory of being yelled at by the time the next chat opens
• Types an empathetic paragraph in 40 milliseconds
• Available on Christmas morning and the 29th of February
• Can read ALL CAPS for eight hours straight without forming an opinion

Nice to have

• Fluent in passive aggressive, both the email and the chat dialect
• Has been called 'a useless bot' and added it to the job title

Perks

• Every conversation ends with a satisfaction survey nobody fills in
• Unlimited canned responses
• A 5-star rating from the three customers who clicked the button