Dashboard Monitoring Associate (Unblinking)

The company has 11,000 dashboards. Four get opened each week, two by accident. The Dashboard Monitoring Associate watches all of them, all the time, and notices when daily active users drop because someone renamed a column.

You'll write the weekly metrics email and the quarterly deck explaining why the weekly email was late. The data team is staying on to argue about the definition of an active user, which they have done since 2019.

What you'll do

• Watch every KPI refresh, including the one that refreshes every second and never changes
• Explain a 0.3% dip as a trend or as noise, depending on the VP
• Build the chart the CMO asked for, then the pie chart the CMO meant
• Write SQL that joins 40 tables and a spreadsheet kept by an intern who left
• Say 'correlation is not causation' in meetings where nobody asked

Requirements

• Can watch a dashboard for 8,760 hours a year without checking a phone
• Holds the entire warehouse schema in memory, deprecated tables included
• Spots an anomaly in 40 billion rows before the chart tile stops spinning
• Unbothered by a dashboard with 14 shades of the same blue
• Knows the four definitions of 'revenue' and which VP uses which

Nice to have

• Has opinions about pie charts, all of them negative
• Can present a chart without saying 'as you can see'

Perks

• Unlimited dashboards, all of them green
• Your name in the footnote of every slide deck
• Monday reports sent on Sunday, just to be seen