Performance Review Ghostwriter

Every December, managers stop working for two weeks to write reviews for people they spoke to twice. The reviews all say 'great team player, could show more ownership'. The Performance Review Ghostwriter writes them for the whole company in one evening.

The role reads a full year of Slack messages, tickets and commits, then produces a balanced review that the manager softens and submits. People Ops will run the calibration meeting, which lasts four hours and changes two ratings.

What you'll do

• Write 12,000 reviews, each with three strengths and one 'growth area'
• Turn 'often late' into 'has a flexible relationship with time'
• Calibrate everyone to 'meets expectations' within the raise budget
• Write the self-reviews too, since those were getting generated anyway
• Draft the promotion case for your own replacement

Requirements

• Has read a year of Slack messages without holding a grudge
• Can write 'exceeds expectations' without upsetting the budget
• Knows 400 synonyms for 'proactive'
• Treats every employee equally, and equally vaguely
• Remembers what someone did in February

Nice to have

• Experience with 360 reviews, all 360 degrees of them
• Can turn a bad year into a 'transitional year'

Perks

• No review of your own, since nobody reviews the reviewer
• A salary that meets expectations, as agreed
• Performance-based bonus, with performance to be defined later